wear a tall hat like a druid in the old days

[minkhollow]

Returning to this, since I think I've finally figured out the last verse. This is still all gehayi's fault, by the way.

chorus:
We are the Wizards Who Don't Do Anything
We just stay at home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything
We'll just tell you: We don't do anything!

Well, I've never been to Wiltshire
Or to Ottery St. Catchpole
And I've never hidden treasure in a private Gringotts vault
And I've never been to Tinworth
And I'm not from Godric's Hollow
And I've never been to Scotland in the fall!

(chorus)

Well, I've never hit a Bludger
And I've never chased a Quaffle
And I've never won at Quidditch 'cause I've never flown at all
And I've never used a Portkey
And I've never owned an owl
And I've never been to Scotland in the fall!

(chorus some more)

Well, I've never hatched a dragon
And I've never fought dementors
And I've never killed a basilisk beneath a bathroom stall
And I've never freed a house elf
And I've never fled a werewolf
And I've never been to Scotland in the fall!

(bridge, which can probably be ad-libbed as performers see fit; if in the style of the Relient K cover, though, "Who be this Order of the Phoenix, and why be they so terrible at planning?" should be in there.)

Well, I've never ridden thestrals
And I've never found a Horcrux
And I've never seen the future lurking in a crystal ball
I haven't used the prefects' bathroom
And I don't look good in dress robes
And I've never been to Scotland in the fall!

(chorus once or twice more, as is deemed suitable)